This is an excerpt from a book I am working on!
Becoming realistic about my ability to attain divine love brought me into my third phase: indecision. The battle in my mind went like this:
It is looking more and more like it is going to take a herculean effort to attain divine love… Should I make that effort, or just give up and wait for another lifetime or something?
Eventually I decided I should go for it. But how? Should I abandon everything and run off to Vrindavana, the holy land of divine love, so I could practice without distraction? Hmmm… Well, to be free of distractions would be ideal, but could I really get free from distractions just by running away from them? Probably not! Then, shouldn’t I be patient and wear out all my material desires by living a normal, fulfilling social life while practicing devotion? Probably, but then why do so many practitioners describe the comforts of home as something dire to be dropped like the plague? This is confusing!
If I die with unsatisfied material desires I will have to be reborn to fulfill them, so why not fulfill them now in some reasonable manner that does not totally distract me from cultivating divine love. Then, when the time is right and I am ready, I will go to Vrndavana and exclusively worship Kṛṣṇa day and night.
Fulfilling material desires turns out to be very hard work, though. And renunciates, on the other hand, seem to live pretty carefree lives. There is even a saying, “There was ample food wherever the renunciate went.” Maybe it would be easier to fulfill even my material desires as a renunciate?
These battles constantly raged in my mind, and many others, too… What service should I do the divine? How? Where?? When???